Tyrannosaurus Flex

Gosh Harry!

2007-10-31T11:44:00.001Z

Another little splash of Potter:

Harry Potter and:

the New Cell Mate
the Office Romance
the Coloured Gentleman
the Board of Directors
the Sweet Smell of Success
the Chart Toppers
the 20 Inch Chrome Rims
the Dirty Weekend
the Paris Catwalk Collection
the Manhattan Brunch

Potter!

2007-10-21T08:42:00.001Z

More adventures for Harry.
Harry Potter and...

the State Trooper
the Fillet O' Fish
the Stupid Bitch
the Brand New Shoes
the Naughty Wizard
New York's Finest
the 3 Mexicans
the Import Bride
the All-You-Can-Eat Buffet
the Designer Jeans
the Sub-woofer of Doom
the Flat-Top Fade
the Tube Sock
the Soft, Soft Hands
the Dot Com Boom
the Manbitch
the Prescription Lenses
the Best Bear Hug
the Satin Negligee
the Teenage Workout
the GTI Turbo
the Wand of Romance
the Bumper Box of Kleenex
the Magic Johnson
the Char-grilled Patty
the Golden Flakes
the Cherry on Top
the Cornucopia of Plenty
All the Trimmings

I will personally be writing to Ms Rollins ASAP (soon).

Harry Potter and...

2007-10-20T12:46:00.001Z

After a massive hiatus we are back up in this mother for real.
Guess I'll get the ball rolling with another list - this time some proposed sequels for the Harry Potter series:

Harry Potter and...

the Hairy Chest
the Long Walk Home
the Nice Slice
the Virtual Boy™
the Rolodex of Fate
the Chamber of Fondles
the Sack of Shit
the Artist Formerly Known as Prince
the Switch Hitter
the Red Hot Unit
the Pussy Magnet

I am seriously considering an all lists site at this point...

Team Be-Hot

2006-12-18T09:36:00.000Z

We have our fair share of freaks at the school but it is probably one of the newer recruits that takes the biscuit. This gentleman always rocks up to class in a bright orange bomber jacket and is covered in grime. The first time I met him he had a sports bag full of toys and a hard hat with him. Last week he really dressed to impress with a massive diamond-encrusted star of David over his bomber jacket and a wierd kind of loin cloth over his trousers. He informed me that between his manual labour work he had been to church that day.

The key point to his whole look is the metal label on his flight jacket which reads like so:

Flying Corps

"SELECTED"

Fight for liberty and win it

CHIEF MARSHAL

TEAM BE-HOT

Label issued by Be-Hot

Need I say more.

Advice

2006-12-14T12:38:00.000Z

Today I received the following mail. I had completely forgotten about all that jewelry that I ordered and it sounds like I'm in trouble with the credit card company for not paying up.
What do you think I should do?

Dear Customer,

We are unable to obtain payment from the credit card on file for your JewelryAdviser account. Your credit card companyreturned the following error to us:

The Overdraft Exceed

Please contact your credit card company to resolve this matter, or log into youraccount now to change your credit cardinformation.
(See your account details as well as the transaction details in the attachment)

Order details:
Date: Dec 12, 2006
Order number is: 78034

Shopping cart content
Now in your cart 2 items:

14K White Gold Blue Topaz Teardrop-Shaped & Diamond Earrings $149.50
14K White Gold Journey Diamond Graduated Bezel Set Pendant $450.00

FedEx International Shipping (including VAT) $135.20
_____________________________
Total: $734.70

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter, and for being a member ofthe world's leading jewelers shop service.

Sincerely,
Jewelry Adviser Billing Service.

I have heard about some hoax mails going around, but the grammar in this mail is impeccable so I'm pretty convinced it's the "real deal".
Any advice most welcome.

Shreddin'

2006-11-27T09:45:00.000Z

Going snowboarding so thought I'd get myself a board:

Everyone's going to be mad jealous.

2econd Helping

2006-11-13T10:43:00.000Z

More treats for the peeps:

Doppleganger Twins
Squitters & Chunks: Cops on the Run
Mega Spicy Space Station
REAL Video Game 5
The Gymnasium Affair
Skin Tight Justice
Hot Inferno
Bred for Violence
Massive Impact
Toot! Toot! You're Dead!
Dummy Cops 3: No Time for Dribbling
Fight Pit: Trophy of Blood

Hott B.L.A.S.T. of da realness

2006-11-12T10:35:00.000Z

I decided to resurrect one of my favourite old threads - namely movie titles.
These are some that I came up with at work today:

Handsome Cop
Handsome Cop 2: Hall of Mirrors
Bread & Butler
Bread & Butler 2: Toast of the Town
Operation: Chocolate
Innocent Crimes
Dummy Squad
Dummy Squad 2: Dial M for Dummy
Ultimate Elite Operatives: The Most Best
American Shogun: the Sun also Rises in the West
Open and Shut Case 6
Night Blade: Deadly by Default
The Banana Quadrant
Covert Bros: Stealth Conscious
Disaster Panic
Organic Precinct: Veg of Honor
Taylor Made: If the Glove Fits...
The Moist Zone
Boulevard of Fear
Donkey Agent
The Cheeky Files
Caramel Fists

Suggestions welcome.

Best Jeanist 2006

2006-10-07T13:24:00.000Z

Has it been a year already? Wow!
I know this is what you've all been waiting for - the announcement of the winners of this year's BEST JEANIST AWARD 2006.
For those not in the know, this is a yearly award handed out to Japanese celebrities who have shown that they can look good in denim. This is the 23rd time this event has been held and the motto this year is "KEEP ON YOUR JEANS SPIRITS". Quite frankly you' d be a massive dummy if you ignored this sage advice.
OK here we go! Amongst this year's winners are T-Flex's favourite filth idol Kumi Kodo (left) and ice-skating gold medalist Shizuka Arakawa (WTF?, second from left):

I have to conceed that they do all indeed look OUTSTANDING in jeans.

Click below for all the latest denim knowledge:

Toitles

2006-09-21T05:29:00.000Z

I know for a fact that the creators of the Ninja Turtles had pretty serious intentions for their creations. However as the TV series blew up and the execs realized the never ending toys sales potentials the original creators good intentions went right out the window. Case in point are the two examples below:

Genghis Frog and Napoleon Bonafrog...What the frog is going on here?
It was surely at this point that the execs were beyond caring if any of it made any sense at all.

Dribble X

2006-09-14T13:22:00.000Z

Here for your viewing pleasure is the cover of the Japanese version of "Like Mike 2", which is known over here as "Dribble X" - a much more fitting title in my opinion.

This Week's Movie Picks

2006-09-09T15:06:00.000Z

Straight to DVD and straight to the the top of you "must see" list:

"Young Jerome Jenkins Junior (Jascha Washington) has dreams larger than his diminutive frame, but learns the price of their fulfillment in this sequel to the hit 2002 film LIKE MIKE. Aspiring to rule the street basketball courts but spurned for his small size and lack of talent, Jerome's luck changes when he finds a pair of lucky sneakers. Suddenly, he has more game than he can handle!"

When I'm out of ideas I can always rely on the DVD section at the local video store.
Also spotted this week:

Can things get any better???

Space Tardz

2006-08-27T13:16:00.000Z

You may have read that our buddy "Dice-K" ran into a bit of trouble this week in relation to his planned space trip:

Daisuke "Dice-K" Enomoto, 34, was to be launched in a Russian Soyuz vehicle from the Baikonur cosmodrome in Kazakhstan with the next space station crew on September 14. However, Roscosmos spokesman Igor Panarin told The Associated Press that Enomoto "was deemed not ready to fly for exclusively medical reasons."

3 million well spent. Boo hoo for you dummy.

Pexus Grandii

2006-08-27T11:45:00.000Z

Sholid Shnake came up with a good idea for a thread based on Gladiator names. I'm all out of ideas these days so thought I'd give it a go. Try these for starters:

Plumpus
Pexus Grandii
Gravitor Ex Pubus
Fondlates
Nut Saxus
Ploporium Majoris
Butteras
Squitoria
Choco Dominus
Strocum
Funbagus

His's and Hers's

2006-08-20T22:26:00.000Z

Let's give this thread a whirl.
My take on the whole perfume/cologne thing is that the name of the scent is supposed to
convey the desired attributes of those who wear them. With this in mind and to turn things
on their head, I give you my Fall/Winter scent line-up of undesirable and sometimes
desireable attributes.

For the Men:
Cajones
Bracing windz
Steel Rod
Furry Peaches
express liquidation
Pipe cleaner at work
Interupted Innocence
Coconuts for Hire
Soft and tender

For the Ladies:
Sexplicit
Closed for business
Slut-o-saurus
Cash for slash (going to hell for that one)
Can't get no Satisfaction
Nubilion
B-I-A-T-C-H
Saggy bags
Juicy melons
i really AM old enough by deluSIonal

The Darkness

2006-08-02T13:13:00.000Z

There are certain words that should never appear together in a sentence, like "Sexy" and "Tards". However in Japan these rules appear not to apply. A case in point emerged this week on a TV show that made my colleagues and I want to break things.
The latest pop idol over here is the extremely filthy Koda Kumi who always looks like she is covered in man grease. The Japanese coined a new phrase to describe this delightful lady, "Ero-Kawaii", meaning something close to cute but erotic.

So here is where things go very wrong.
Koda Kumi is invited to host a contest to decide who is the most Cute Erotic dancer.
The only catch is that all the competitors are kids!
Cute Erotic Kids - 3 words I NEVER want to see together again.
For the love of God.

For him, for her

2006-07-18T14:41:00.000Z

Our new buddy Adrian had a nice idea for a new thread - fragrances for him or for her.
I'll try my best to start the ball rolling.

FOR HIM

Boobs for men
DooDoo
Chow Mein
Clean Sheets for men
Chunks
Champion Belt
G-Force
Battle Ax

FOR HER

Waft
Jubbles for women
Bacon
Fondles
Breakfast in Bed
Uncle
Lips
Bust for her
Nougat

What the FLIP?!?!

2006-07-11T08:42:00.000Z

This is either proof positive that dirty child-touchers have invaded
the watergun maker Hasbro's supersoaker division or just a neat idea
gone horribly... HORRIBLY wrong...

head over to www.youtube.com and search for "The Oozinator"

The Bros

2006-07-05T13:08:00.000Z

Strolling through the shopping arcade on my way to work this afternoon I was surprised to find that the regular piped muzak medley of Mammas & Pappas and Frank Sinatra had been replaced by some rather fast techno. Only on deeper concentration did I realise that it was actually a rave remix of the Super Mario Bros theme.
This brought back fond memories of The Ambassadors of Funk feat. MC Mario:

Check out these lyrics:

Straight outta Brooklyn, Mario and Luigi
Chill, sit back, and take things easy
The brothers are rolling cool like a breeze
In T-shirts, hats, and dungarees
Plumbers of the highest grade
You got water trouble? Well that's their trade
So Winter or Summer, forget all the others
And just call the Super Mario Brothers

More of this plumbing madness can found over at:
http://www.themushroomkingdom.net/mania/smcd.shtml

Baandz

2006-06-24T13:38:00.000Z

Hott off the press:

The False Starts
The Raviolis
The Topless
The Internet Brides
The Soft Gust
The Soap-You-Ups
The Home Haircut
The Pie Chart
The Cleft Between Your Cheeks
The Denim Tux
The Baguette
The Stools
The Waist-Highs
The Let One Slips
The Tard Ratio
The Mouth Breathers
The Pooy Secret
The Crab Stix
The Iron Lungs
The Unfortunates
The Time Slip

B.A.N.D.S.

2006-06-23T04:09:00.000Z

And on it goes:

The Mid-Level Bosses
The Spreadables
The Half-Softs
The Runs
The Mouthfuls
The Softies
The Sweets from Strangers
The Tingles
The Gaze
The Chinese Burns
The Palm Pilots
The Best Birthday Ever
The Chest and Chin
The Pubes
The Diabetic Chocolates
The Blubbers
The Mammals
The Rest of Your Life
The supplements
The Childs
The nonchalant Cocks
The Full Set
The Side Scrollers

The the the the bands

2006-06-22T04:44:00.000Z

Here we go:

The Mumbled Apology
The Moms
The Wheat Allergy
The Crotch
The Dirt Dirts
The Done Did Its
The All Day Buffet
The Next Time I Tell Your Mom
The Choccy Lips
The Naughty Bench
The Pouches
The Fondlers
The Spare Change
The Class of '85
The Sprinkles
The Day Room
The Moisture
The Smacks
The Bulge
The Brown Stripes
The Wrong Locker Room
The Jeans

"The" Bands: "The" 3rd

2006-06-21T04:41:00.000Z

The First
The Concrete Juggernuts
The Ham
The Wheat on Rye
The Odor (Coincidently the lead singer's name is Theodor)
The Effeminate Asexual Phoenixs
The Warlock Droppings
The Middle
The 9th
The Little Engine That Couldn't
The 73rds
The Anxious Twins
The Fireman's Promiscuous Daughter
The Retarded Puppies
The Last

Engrish from the Auzzies

2006-06-15T06:55:00.000Z

A co-worker tipped me off to this juicy little tid-bit of literature. It supposedly comes from the
Auzzies' immigration website concerning visa application.

...

"Authorised Recipient Details" question in all forms must be fully completed giving one person to receive and send all correspondence from and to Department

...

WTF?!?!?

The Bands Part II

2006-05-28T11:46:00.000Z

We have a new guest Flex contributer in the form of Japan veteran Adrian who kindly came up with a few more band ideas. Here are the choice cuts:

The Soiled Trunx
Bishop Takes Boy
The Nightsoil Vegetables
The Closest Thing to Polygamy
Spruntstarz!
Assbait
Sunstroke
Tardskid
The Hopelumps
Slutwhip
Knight in Burning Aroma

And from me:

Wizard Slax
The Tard Magnets
Tits for Food

More coming soon fun fans!

Thought for the day

2006-05-20T14:40:00.000Z

Plop! Plop!
That's the sound of da police!
(Visiting the restroom)

"The" Bands

2006-05-16T14:23:00.000Z

Recently there has been a massive boom in "The" bands such as "The Strokes" and "The White Stripes", so I thought I'd come up with a few band names of my own:

The Fondles
The Generous Uncles
The Soft Scoop
The Glans
The Extra Slice
The Bowel Movements
The Pods
The Whoppers
The Aisle Seat
The Uninvited Guest

As ever any further suggestions are most welcome.

Classic Rap Mistakes #2

2006-05-16T14:12:00.000Z

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you exhibit number 2:

--------------------------"I like Blokes" ---------------------------

1) You've got makeup on and you look like a girl.
2) You're called Baby Bash
3) You're album's called "Super Saucy"

Empire

2006-05-11T02:56:00.000Z

Here in very low-grade form we have a few nuggets of Japlish I have come across recently:

"WASHED UP
This cup has been washed.
Be relieved and use it."

Thanks.

"Cuddlecrews
Chubby Seat"

Gotta be the toughest crew.

"MEMORIES OF MY LIFE
EMPIRE
I am most interested in historic sights.
Which ones do you suggest."

How about Big Ben?

Mr and Miss Cotton

2006-05-11T02:49:00.000Z

Following on from the dizzy heights of the "Best Jeanist" awards, yesterday was apparently "Cotton Day" and so, yes you guessed it, we had a little award ceremony for the celebrities who look best in cotton...

What the fabric do you do when you receive an award like that??

(Pictured above are actually last year's winners, but what does it really matter?)

Quick Movie Idea

2006-04-20T09:35:00.000Z

When a good pun comes into your head you just know you have to get it on paper before you forget it. Therefore I present to you:

Hot Dog 3: Wiener Takes All

GOSPE * RATS

2006-04-20T04:49:00.000Z

(Soulful hamonies that will exilerate your heart - GOSPE*RATS)

Just when I thought the boundaries of racism were once again safe, The Gospe*Rats explode onto the scene in a furry of light pink suits, hot pink silk shirts, white gloves and "le piece de resistance" blacked up faces! Once again, what would normally get one lynched back home because of complete lack of sensibility/forethought/consideration for your fellow man etc. Gets nothing more than the spotlight and millions of ignorant screaming fans begging for more here in Japan. Weren't these types of groupes popular about 60 to 80 years ago when it was socially acceptable to be blatantly racist? Well I guess that makes it old enough to be cool again... Vive Retro Culture!

(p.s. I will now proceed to the restroom and empty the contents of my stomach because these dizzying new heights of despicable racism are making me sick)

CYOA 4U2

2006-04-18T07:20:00.000Z

I detect another fun thread of posts with this CYOA business!

The Ice Beast of L'aHm At'Dour
Office Highjinx: The boss is away!!
Ilf Blattenbergitor: Danger Seeker
Midget Maulers Attack
The Adventures of Little Tiff: Cyborg Alley
ZORNOK The Terrible
The dissapearance of Rutherford M. Bip: Where's he at?
Escape from Gangland: a bronx tale
G'lm K'km'z Ir'x
Quicksand Crevasse

CYOA 4U

2006-04-14T16:50:00.000Z

Here are a few ideas for CYOA style fantasy/sci-fi books:

The Krönbarg Legacy: The spice traders of Snorgos
The 5th Ring of Noomba
The Last Days of K'Ran B'La
Masters of Mace & Lance
The Ice Dwarves of Fire Mountain
Dragon Tamers of Shan Kalok
Dwarf Riders
Unlimited Dungeon
Cavern of the Brown Witch
The Orb Traders of Woomf-Nar
The Chocolate Realm

Any further suggestions most welcome. If you need inspiration check this out:

Past and future meet in the land of Thalos!

What would you do if you were a rancher on a distant planet, using robots to herd vicious dinosaurs? What would you do if your deadly enemies, the Karosseans, invaded? What would you do if you knew that the protection of your homeland against the invaders and marauding dinosaurs was up to you alone? Now is your chance to find out, for all this is exactly what happend in this thrilling futuristic adventure!

2 large Reindeer pizzas for air delivery please!

2006-04-14T07:11:00.000Z

In search of something entertaining to relieve some boredome I came across this funny article.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/04/10/flying.pizzaz.ap/index.html

This is my favourite quote of the lot;

"Nearly all the 11,000 village residents in Airport Pizza's service area consume Alaska Native subsistence foods, such as whale, walrus, seal and caribou, but laws bar Airport Pizza from using native meats -- other than reindeer -- on its pizzas, and there doesn't seem to be much demand."

If I can't get my deluxe whale, walrus, seal, caribou AND reideer meat pizza... then frankly, what's the point!

Dick T.

Fighting Fantasy

2006-04-13T16:59:00.000Z

Mr. Log reminded of one of my darker childhood pursuits of reading choose-your-own adventure (CYOA) books. The best series was undoubtedly Fighting Fantasy if not simply for the fact that the covers were flipping astounding. The content was often a little disappointing but with artwork like this who really cares? :

This brave individual has catalogued the whole lot. I guarantee you will want to read them ALL!:
http://homepages.tesco.net/~parsonsp/html/fighting_fantasy.html

Classic Rap Mistakes #1

2006-04-07T14:17:00.000Z

You are a rapper. You can call yourself anything you like. In fact the more audacious the name the better. You have a long hard think. You think of names like "Da Murda-ra" and "M.C. Blade", but after careful consideration you know that there is only one option. You have come up with the BEST name ever - you will be known as "CITY SPUD".

Shaggy Dog

2006-04-07T13:56:00.000Z

They've gone done did it again! New technology pointlessly deployed in a remake of a "classic" kids' movie. This time we see bargain bin actor Tim Allen take up the lead role in Disney's new Shaggy Dog. Hilarious adventures follow as Tim swaps places with the family pet. "Is that you Dad?!" etc. Unfortunately the whole CGI effects thing just makes for plain creepy results, with Tim's "human" eyes peeping out from the manipulated shaggy dog face. The executives have done it again!

Over the Hedge

2006-04-06T20:22:00.000Z

http://www.overthehedgemovie.com/

Ok, if we don't see some kind of royalty check here at T-Flex soon we may have to litigate.

'Over the Hedge' is this summer's big studio animation that has all the markings of the very brand of cinema that we are here to disparage...and love.

This year we get a deft an debonair lead mammal, the sultry but pungent femme fatale skunk, the timid turtle sidekick who needs a little goading into the hero role and of course, the foil, a frenetic squirrel who is completely 'nuts'.

Just glancing at the promotional artwork you can devise most of the plot, as it rehashes what is fast becoming a timeless theme in the Flex genre: disenfranchised animals join together and manage escape from the bounds imposed by reckless twit suburbanites. In the process, they uncover the devious scheme of a wealthy spinster/divorcee which forces them to further collaborate and perhaps draw on the resources of their one time enemy. By the end of the film you have had your fill of pop-culture references in animal form, raccoons piloting SUVs while assorted vermin work the pedals, and so on.

The title dually invokes the primary plot strand while indicating that this film is chock full of awkward, and perhaps dated, xtreme sports lingo. While potentially entertaining, I will never get beyond the quips and 'shade-tiltings ' of the dauntless lead character.

With that said, I am not much beyond sending in my spec of 'H2Bros' for production and release in 2008.

Praise the Lord

2006-04-04T09:09:00.000Z

The curtain has finally fallen on the most pointless stretch of my "career path". Luckily the soulless nature of my colleagues allowed for a very quiet exit. I did however have a plain white envelope thrust into my hand before departing, and on inspection on the train home I found that it contained 100 quid in crisp twenties. There was no accompanying note but I liked that - it seemed to perfectly represent the relationship I had had with my "work mates".

On my last day at work I handed over the reins to my replacement and was pleased to find that he was the kind of archetypical gaijin that would drive Japanese people mad while acting as a good example to hold up beside the stereotypes. His first words to me were, "So this job is pretty boring right? Can you get anything worthwhile out of it?" I took a deep breath and tried my best to come up with all kinds of positive aspects of the job, but by the time he had spent a few hours in the grey void even my best efforts were futile. There was no hiding the fact that, yes this job is boring, and moreover one could add the adjectives pointless, mindless, soul destroying and pure shit.

Apart from the payoff, the other thing that left me with a smile on my face was the idea of this new insensitive giant stamping all over the Japanese managers' sensibilities. That and the fact that he is the spitting image of Tony Soprano...

New T.R.I.X.

2006-03-22T02:01:00.000Z

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Taking TOPP DOGG to a level of realness.

here is the link if the gets weird on ya: http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=541110370&n=2

CIRs Deported for Debauchery

2006-03-15T14:21:00.000Z

Here's a little jem I made up for an upcoming edition of the Hyogo Times. It's an April fools edition so
I decided to go all out when they specifically asked for "lies and fantastical stories".

Enjoy

Dick

CIRs Deported for Debauchery

Hyogo, Kobe - It has come to light that not one, not two, but all seven Hyogo Prefectural CIRs were arrested and sent packing. After a short detainment at a detention facility in Kobe the seven were handed over to their home country officials at Kansai International Airport to return home in disgrace.

"It all unravelled for the CIRs when a trio of them were caught red-handed shoplifting 30th anniversary Hello Kitty goods for re-sale on the black market" began officer Yamada Taro of the Hyogo 4th precinct, "we've been after this rabble for some time, but until the arrest we really had nothing. Once we got the warrants approved due to the shoplifting incident and got a proper search going the evidence became overwhelming. It is almost like they were running a crime-ring in competition to our local... "elements"..., and we just couldn't have that! So we deported them all immediately for questioning and detainment in their home countries."

Sources close to the case say the list of charges were so long, that sending them home was clearly the only option. Rumors and accusations were rampant at a Prefectural assembly meeting convened specially to deal with the issue. Some say the seven became so intimately involved with how Japan's bureaucracy works that it was easy for them to exploit it. Some of the charges are as follows;

Drugs - possesion, buying and selling

Operating a common bawdy house - pimping, soliciting customers, acting as escorts

Cheating on their taxes - collecting money from fraudulent claims

Drunken and disorderly conduct

Officer Yamada Taro added that it was rather easy to round up the remaining four CIRs as they were completely drunk and walking the streets of Sannomiya naked at 4:30am Wednesday morning.

JR officials even have video records of several of the group running through ticket gates without having paid.

Asked what implications this will have in the international relations division, Director Usomura Shinzo apologized deeply for the inconvenience this has caused and said not to worry because we'll have seven fresh new faces by the end of July.

AB Routers

Best Jeanist

2006-03-15T09:23:00.000Z

They pull a lot of crap in Japan but what has to rank as one of my favourites is the yearly "Best Jeanist" awards. What is a "jeanist" you may ask. The answer is someone who looks fucking good in jeans. One can therefore deduct that the "Best Jeanist" awards is a self-aggrandizing event where the Japanese public vote on the celebrity who they believe looked the best in denim that year. It is of course sponsored by several jeans companies.

I admit this all sounds a little fanciful, but if you need further evidence head on over to the official website, "Best-Jeans.com", which contains useful info on "Jeans History" and "Lifestyle of Jeans":

http://www.best-jeans.com/

By the way you still have time to vote for "Best Jeanist 2006".
The big question is what kind of speech do you give when you receive an award like this?

God Bless America

2006-03-09T17:28:00.000Z

When you were a kid mom said no, but now noone can stop you:
http://www.ushra.com/features/Article.2003-10-10.0735

Dice-K

2006-03-08T09:24:00.000Z

Dick brought my attention to the following crime against humanity - Daisuke "Dice-K" Enomoto:

Daisuke Enomoto (born April 22, 1971, nicknamed Dice-K) is a Japanese businessman and former Livedoor executive who is in line to become the fourth space tourist. He is currently in training at Star City in Russia to fly on board Soyuz TMA-9 in the fall of 2006.

Dice-K will be the first private astronaut from Japan and Asia. His flight will take him to the International Space Station (ISS) after lifting off from the Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan, the worlds oldest Spaceport.

Dice-K made international news when it was revealed that he intends to go into space wearing a Gundam costume of Char Aznable.

Nice one Dice.

Therizinosaurus

2006-03-06T11:36:00.000Z

I have a new favourite dinosaur in the form of the Therizinosaurus.
I can't believe this dude passed me by:

From what I can gather the Therizinosaurus used his over-developed "hands" to literally "fondle" his prey into submission. In spite of the reputation earned from these hunting techniques, it is believed that he was actually reasonably polite and socially-speaking very well developed.

Mullets in the media?

2006-03-06T07:32:00.000Z

Just ran across this compelling quote by George Clooney at the recent oscar awards.

"Who'd have thought, after doing The Facts of Life, that things would've worked out quite this way?" Clooney asked reporters. "I guess if you can survive a mullet, you can survive anything."

Keepin' it Reel!

From beneath the earth

2006-03-03T10:01:00.000Z

While travelling on the Underground I occasionally come across certain "characters" who truly reflect the Victorian roots of the network. My 2 personal favourites from the last couple of months are:

1) Tall and ostensibly attractive woman with features a little too sharp, thus raising the suspicion that she may once have been a he. This lovely creature's crime however was not in the gender-bending department but came in the form of pausing while reading the paper to blow her/his nose using the very same paper. No subtle movements here, but a hearty snorting and slurping followed by a good few extra clean-up wipes. I believe she/he then went on to finish reading the paper through the crinkled glaze.

2) A truly Dickensian scene. Asian mother fends off baby who is pulling at her pony tail and attempts to satiate him with some food furtively retrieved in handfulls from a plastic bag on her lap. The food of choice - a full donner kebab with chilli sauce - the perfect meal for a suckling babe. The baby then proceeded to smear chilli sauce all over the train windows while the mother finished off her supper.

Tony the Tiger

2006-03-03T09:57:00.000Z

I have a feeling this call will be a jewel in the T-Flex crown.
While I wait with fevered anticipation, here are a few more:

Winston Shibata
Slimfit Bando
Malachi Shinko
Gregory "Strokes" Shimada
Tarozaemon Fitzpatrick
Euphrates Endo
Terry "Foosball" Fujita
Isamu Mendez-Mendoza
Atsuko Titilayo
Manfred Ichimonji Jr.
Michiko Eternity Kang
Tonsils Murata

Tiger's Eve

2006-03-02T18:14:00.000Z

One last batch of names to get me pumped before I call Tiger this weekend.

Minx Murata
Pepper Kakumoto
Toranosuke Solomon
Flying Sukiyama
Risuko McMichaels
Trevor Wada
Ndugu "Kuronosuke" Adachi
Tetsuo Flavor
Rodeo Ishibashi
Brass Aoki
Mikiko Hauser-Wang
Kyoko Justice
Tak "Open Grill Only" Yanagi
Dakota Kageyama

Destination: Tiger

2006-02-28T13:04:00.000Z

A few more friends:

Madison Terada
Stoat Nagase
Ermine Nagase
Jamal Otani
Barabas Hirayama
Pheromone Takabe
Farooq Shibata
Bullets Nagasawa
Santiago Kamioka
Shizuka "Honey" Cannone
Ryunosuke Lederman
Genpachi Holdsworth III

'Burbs and Hoops

2006-02-27T02:01:00.000Z

Today while eating tempura and drinking a Mountain Dew®, it came to me how an incident from a few months ago would have really found its place on the blog.

My neighbor 'Chris' is the proverbial king of the suburb. Clockwork rotation of holiday displays, washes his car *twice* a week, tough guy attitude stuffed into a pair of nuthugging jeans and a cotton polo.

Just like in the films, his uncontrollable pet terrier races to latch onto my leg everytime he opens his massive garage. While the dog never gets a hold of me, Chris is unnerved when I respond to the animal by being warm and inviting. His red mustasche krimps hard on his lips when he is forced to acknowledge me as I lug my synthesizer from the car to the house. I try to get in a few words but to no avail. The reason is simple: he thinks I am queer.

This is not an unlikely event nor is it unlikely to catch Chris in the act of working on the facade of his house. After getting his Christmas lights in order one December weekend, he thought to treat himself by assembling a collapsable basketball net in front of his driveway for a 'one-on-none' game of hoops. Here I come, in full regalia, dressed to wipe my ass with mass-print media, observing Chris who is desperate sink a shot as I pass by. My car was parked about 60 meters ahead of me, in which distance Chris showboated his best without landing a single bomb. With each miss I could see the fury building, knowing that by his own rules his personal manhood was at stake in these 90 seconds.

Nearly pulling out of my parking spot, Chris sauntered over to the base of the hoops to check to see if everything had been alright mechanically. Everything was alright. I could tell Chris wanted nothing more than to break my tail light assembly with his basketball. He would have to suffice with tasting the pain of defeat, just watching me go as I blared whatever rap-metal trash was on the kiddie rock station at the time.

N*gga Please

2006-02-24T17:11:00.000Z

The actor Damon Wayans has been engaged in a 14-month fight to trademark the term "Nigga" for a clothing line and retail store, a search of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office's online database reveals.

Wayans wants to dress customers in 14 kinds of attire from tops to bottoms, and use the controversial mark on "clothing, books, music and general merchandise," as well as movies, TV and the internet, according to his applications.

Rhodan, who is black, said that he's sold around 2,000 of the shirts at events. When he began selling the shirts, emblazoned with the term "Nigga," he thought he would take criticism, especially from older people.

"I was in the mall with one of the shirts on, and an old lady said, 'Where did you get that shirt from?'" he said, expecting the worst. "She followed me to the car and bought five shirts for her grandchildren."

Full story:
http://www.wired.com/news/technology/0,70259-0.html?tw=rss.index

Yuppie Pirate

2006-02-24T10:14:00.000Z

Now this looks like a good game:

Flexecutive

2006-02-24T09:58:00.000Z

I saw something on BBC news this morning that would have made me smash my fist through the screen had I not been laughing bitterly.

The "news" item was about the success of the "Gameboy for adults" known as the Blackberry. There was a self-inflated female "executive" waxing lyrical about how the Blackberry had revolutionized business for her.

However the real icing on the cake was the customary job description given under her name: it read "FLEXECUTIVE".

There is nothing flexible about this BULLSHIT! Thanks to the Blackberry you can now never escape from work you latte drinking pig-in-knickers.

I will however be commandeering the term to refer to our team right here; as we are the truly flexible executives.

Operation: Tiger

2006-02-24T09:39:00.000Z

Clawback got me blasting coffee through my nose again.
How about these names to help you with your preparation:

Raheem Utagawa
Earl Tamura
Dante Sonoda
Wallis Fukunaka
Rifle Nishiwaki
Herbie Mifune
Derek "Dave" Numata
Phalanx Kondo
Justice Ohura
Lt. Fabien Amagawa
Aurora Nishimoto
Phantom Ogiwara

Target: Tiger

2006-02-23T16:29:00.000Z

Part of my agenda today is to partially script my forthcoming prank call to Tiger. As this may be the single most self-aggrandizing East meets West name I have seen to date, I offer you some additional names I would also like to see

Dennis Fukui
Tank Miura
Corbin Watanabe
Brick Sasaki
Dale-Geoffrey Kunishima
Orel Murano
Cody Obata
Buffalo Gohto
Spencer Iida
Phoenix Abe
Doubletake Takemoto
Big Hustle Hamamatsu
Grape Ozeki
Rev. Yardley Nomura

Videogame: The Movie: The Game

2006-02-23T12:40:00.000Z

Looks like someone has been even harder at work than us T-Flexers with this in-depth history of the pirate NES game Videogame: The Movie: The Game.

Quote:
"The new grand prize for the local soapbox race? The fictional Amarigatachi video game system, represented in the film by an Atari 2600, painted gold."

http://www.xocmusic.com/vgtmtg/

Turn The Patty Over

2006-02-23T12:07:00.000Z

How on earth did this pass me by? Apparently De La Soul did a promotional video for Parappa the Rapper 2 which came out a few years back, which also features J-R&B star Double.
Check it O.U.T.:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lB5AgzAtIqI

Speed Guys

2006-02-22T13:39:00.000Z

Today I discovered a new clothing brand to rival "Street Guys" in the form of "Speed Guys", on a cap on the underground.

Kimchi & Coke

2006-02-22T09:29:00.000Z

Before Clawback's link below dries up I thought I'd publish the full contents for all to enjoy:

Sushi Hiroba U.S.A (owns 8 fanchaise restaurant in Korea, also, London & Russia locaiton is coming up) which is fast growing new concept of the japanese fusion restaurant that planning to open coming between april - may.

We are now hiring General mager & manager position who has at least 2-3 years of experience in japanese restaurnt. Benefit & insurance program available.

Please send us your resume to 213-365-0020
Contact number Tiger Nakawake 310-908-5872

Job location is Hollywood

I will be making that call today.

Check the contact name

2006-02-21T20:22:00.000Z

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/csr/135477591.html

Good job

2006-02-20T15:55:00.000Z

I almost forgot about this underground-based incident that occurred the other week:

I was standing on the platform minding my own business when out of the corner of my eye I noted the approach of someone to within a distance that would not normally be considered as "respecting personal space". This generally only means one thing – a weirdo.

To be fair the guy who I found standing next to me wasn't strictly speaking a weirdo, as I soon discovered that he was deaf.

Our "conversation" started with my new friend asking me whether the next train would be going to somewhere-or-other. I politely replied that yes it would and was happy to be of assistance. However my friend was of a sunny disposition and struck up a conversation with the following classic starter:

"I have been deaf since birth and I taught myself to speak at the age of 6."

Awkward to say the least, but as there was still some time before the next train was due to arrive I was obliged to try to carry on the conversation from this tricky launch point. For some reason I came out with the very American platitude "good job", genuinely meaning that he had done well to struggle against such adversity.

However the response I received took the conversation in a whole new direction:

"Yes, I’ve got a pretty good job, working in a posh hotel."

Now where was I going to go with this?
I somehow managed to maintain a look of polite interest and supplied the appropriate interjections as my friend proceeded to tell me about how the hotel really was a good hotel, not like the other so-called posh hotels, because they changed the mattresses on the beds every year.

I can't remember much else but I guess that I really should have been impressed that I had just had a full conversation with a completely deaf guy and the only misunderstanding was one of semantics rather than because of bad lip reading.

As always with such incidents I was left feeling an odd mixture of pathos and light amusement glazed with a layer of the surreal.

Are you kidding me?

2006-02-17T20:51:00.000Z

The Flexperience has once again surged in America's pop media. I think our own resident T-Rexes would contend with the final sentence in the article.

R.E.A.D. I.T.: http://www.cnn.com/2006/TECH/science/02/17/trex.study.reut/index.html

Jezoir

2006-02-17T14:27:00.000Z

I was lucky enough to get not one but 2 special emails today. Here is my favourite of the 2:

what's up Jezoir,

Do you know how you said you wanted a new wrist watch?

I am sure that you all will share my opinion - this vendor is the best thing since sliced bread!

I can just visualize the happy look on your face when you open your order.

You can check them at www.vain.admit.cnweocd.org/er/

Talk to you later
Kim

Corporate Tom Foolery

2006-02-16T18:34:00.000Z

Elevators in corporate downtown all have those streaming newswire LCDs embedded in the door side panels. It's great reading them in a crowd, everyone holding their breath when some politically sensitive bit flashes on the screen. Then, they always have a word of the day thingee and a prime time listing and whatever. The absolute favorite has to be the oblique sorts of professional advice and household tips that round out the loop. Here are a few of my own sabotage lines:

"Lengthing your necktie beyond your beltline suggests you are earnest and well-endowed"

"Try using the ball of your foot, rather than your heel, to punish a pleading vagrant"

"Plumbing cleanser works also as a mouthwash for those with chronic depression"

"Pretend you are a pirate for ten minutes each day for a natural boost of seratonin"

Brokeback Enkai: Report

2006-02-15T19:15:00.000Z

I have been a bit behind in updating the blog on my weekend drinking party with my new pals at work. In short, the misadventure really exceeded my flexpectations.

'WE MOVE ON INSTINCT'

All of the gentlemen were first to arrive at the Korean BBQ joint, eager to down that first jockey of brew and ready their groping hands. For about 20 minutes I was dually at the behest of my Korean and Japanese collegues who immediately began their nightlong scrutiny of my behavior. I had changed into my casual gear following work which left me wide open for a analysis of my sexual behvaior as it related to my rockstar attire. After the initial prying to find out which office beauties were on my mind, we had an early toast and kicked off the evening. In a very Don Corleone sort of manner, I was introduced--inducted even--into their illicit subculture of debauchery. Both had told me that they were married but indirectly confessed the nature of their after-hours lifestyle in the following statement, "[Clawback], we want you to know we are a different law [sic]. We move on instinct."

HIGH TRAVOLTAGE

The ladies arrived and their male counterparts were wide-eyed. Cursory introductions, another kanpai and the carousing kicked off. The evening was rife with innumerable events and images that were burned into the back of my brain forever. The absurdity came in tractor trailer loads, making it nearly impossible to record it all for one T-flex journal. With hundreds of quips and leading anecdotes propelling the vibe, the Korean rose to the T.O.P.P with a story almost too good to be true.

The subject of saunas and massage parlors was brought up. There was no beating around the bush when it came to the true purpose of these establishments either. In any event, to clear any doubts, these guys were unapologetically savvy on the topic and then wanted all of us to know it. The Korean punctuated all of these remarks with perhaps the most clever come on/transition i have ever heard. Once at a sauna in Koreatown here in LA, he had met John Travolta in the shower. The two alone began to converse and Travolta was duly identified by my co-worker. To confirm his discovery, the 6 foot tall wiry Asian man proceeded to do the unmistakable Travolta disco right there in the shower. The deepening rapport provoked an unabashed Travolta to notice how the length of my co-worker's member was longer than most men of his variety. Instant camraderie from both sides. The anecdote somewhat tapered off as the punchline had already been executed. All I was left to do was marvel as curiosity and disgust overtook everyone at the table.

LIVING ON A PLAYER - THE KARAOKE JAM

The dinner was paid for in full by the senior co-worker. This was no doubt an indirect commision to ogle my female friend who had been visiting from Japan at the karoke bar. Already riding high, I dazzled them with my vocal chops in my various renditions of Bon Jovi and WHAM! hits. It was the final cue to engage in no-holds barred puerile antics. Needless to say, Russian hands and Roman fingers found their way towards the prohibited parts of my friend for the rest of the night. Later, I discovered that both cell phones of my respective colleauges had to be turned off due to persistent wives, languishing at home with their fingers on redial.

EPILOGUE

There is really too much to go over in one journal alone. Today, the Japanese guy approached me about a future trip involving a sauna outing as well. He even asked me if I could take a Friday afternoon off to hit the jacuzzi and the wrap it all up with drink later that night. And he really wanted to know if it was all true, you know, what Travolta had been saying about our friend...

It's Official

2006-02-15T16:33:00.000Z

The best Asian name ever is DICKSON POON.

How Dickson Poon Made Fashion Pay

Department of Homeland Security

2006-02-15T11:05:00.000Z

Even the U.S. government is trying to steal the Flex formula! The latest info-site from the DHS is aimed at kids, with a bunch of anthropomorphic all-Americans dubbed the "Mountain Lion Family", who presumably impart vital knowledge about how to survive should the Al Qaeda strike again. The pun-usage in the names is also pure genius.

Here with "Rex" the father of the family:

Rex is Rory's dad and Purrcilla's husband. He is an explorer who loves taking his family on adventures! An all-around athlete, he stays in great shape by climbing rocks and trees, swimming across rivers, and running through the forest and plains.
Rory giggles when she calls her dad "the king of the forest," but with his confidence and courage he is a leader that many forest animals are happy to follow. A great teacher, he encourages Rory to use her imagination.
Here's a little more about Rex:
HE LOVES: Making friends! He talks to everyone he meets and loves to learn all about them. Rex knows that everyone has a special story and something great to share.
SKILLS: He has an amazing sense of sight and touch and can find anything!
HOBBY: Cartography (mapmaking). He can map out the roughest territory, the deepest river, and the tallest trees!
FAMILY TIME: Rex, Rory, and Purrcilla love to play music together. Rex made his own guitar from a hollow tree!

Head on over to the Department of Homeland Security site to check out Rex's fine-looking wife Purrcilla and the family's sidekick Hector Hummingbird who is apparently a real "smarty-pants".

http://www.ready.gov./kids/home.html

Abu's Valentine

2006-02-15T09:18:00.000Z

Today the guard came to my cell and said he wanted to apologize for the way I had been treated. He then told me that someone had left a Valentine's Day gift for me.
I have no love for these infidel ways but a man becomes lonely in jail.
I was told the gift would be waiting for me on return from interrogation.
On my return sure enough there was a pink heart-shaped balloon taped to my bed and a card on my pillow.
With joy in my heart I reached for the balloon.
"BANG!"
Damn this infernal hook! And still they taunt me!
At least I had the card.
Carefully removing the card with my good hand I held it up to my good eye.
Inside it read:
"You are the one eye love!"
Curse them! Curse them all!

Abu's First Night in Jail

2006-02-14T12:20:00.000Z

These Western pigs are taunting me further.
After eating their impure food I decide to relax in the rest room, but here they have devised yet more tortures for me!
I finish my business and go to take the paper on my right, but the workings of the holder are far too fine for my infernal hook!
First they take my hand and now my dignity!
I call to the guard for assistance and he tells me that there are instructions on the wall.
The instructions are on the opposite wall! They know I have no left eye!
A thousand curses upon them!
Tomorrow I will sit reverse style.

Chocolatey Digits

2006-02-14T08:21:00.000Z

Oh no! Now you've really done it!

Yamashita

2006-02-10T17:05:00.000Z

At the weary end of Friday I draw your attention to the following:
http://lifelong.disappointment.com/browse.php?namesearch=Yamashita

Blackberry

2006-02-10T10:36:00.000Z

Quote from the manufacturers:

"We'd like customers to think of the device as basically just a Gameboy for businessmen".

My Dino-Mate

2006-02-10T09:57:00.000Z

Today's dinosaur is the PACHYCEPHALOSAURUS.

Special Skills: Dribble 'N' Dunk, Modesty, Cooks a wicked spaghetti bolognaise.

AMINDONESIA!

2006-02-09T22:55:00.000Z

The execs are at it again! This time the project involves creating a culturally themed video game for a 16bit console that is on the brink of extinction.

These days the industry has been rife with criticism regarding violent games and the executives have been forced to come up with a cartiridge that is equally 'fun and educational'. Preferably, something that is geared for kids and parents alike. With all the parameters now set, the compnay is poised to create the most completely unmarketable piece of rubbish in years. Folks, welcome to AMINDONESIA!

Our story begins...

Whilst travelling through the 'mysterious orient' multi-talented athlete and scholar Brian B. Wright finds himself caught in a swirl of exotic allure in the city of Jakarta. His mission: to uncover a spurious piece of archaeology completely derived by the interns at the game company. Imagine some sort of broken medallion or 3D scultpture whose disparate pieces have been scattered across the country. Fairly early in his quest, Brian is taken captive by the natives who use a sleep-inducing spore squirter to render him unconscious. This is where the cut scenes taper off and the real action begins.

Unfortunately for the player, the enemy's overall motivation has not been identified. We get a few clips of an ominous toad-like voice asking a gang of shadowy minions to dispose of the hero. The game picks up in the makeshift prison with no actual lead-in; though fortunately for our hero, he has not been deprived of his personal effects which include a varisty jacket, jeans and a pair of tennis shoes. He immediately finds himself battling an obscure array of brooding plant-like creatures styled with an ethnic flair. Other initial foes include Gollum-esque renderings of frenetic Asian men, cackling loudly with crude weapons in hand.

While the play control nears intolerable, we discover that Brian is skilled in karate moves, including a spin kick which can be executed at will...which diminishes the need for his less powerful strikes. When the eliminated baddies blink out of existence, things like American footballs and power tools are left behind as weapons. Or perhaps merely as a bonus. As the range of enemy types expand, the foes become more humanoid but no less offensive in their very direct parody of Asian culture. For instance, buck-toothed crickets preferring sneak attacks and curvy knives appear on level three.

The name of the game itself is obviously a compound of 'Indonesia' and 'amnesia'. The basis of the story follows from this clever word play as Brian's biggest obstacle in the story is to overcome the memory loss caused by the spores. Throughout the game he must avoid other kinds of spore attacks which have more immediate effects such as slowing or hastening him. Some even allow him to be invisible to his opponents for a short time! With this in mind, the clockwork operation of the background organic machinery seems to suggest that Indonesia is an underworld of subversive enterprises and narcotic manufacturing. Obviously, these environments are put in the way of our main character in order to waylay his faultless ambition for plundering an indigenous culture.

The game comes to a premature conclusion as the pieces of the medallion are quickly assembled and the execs run out of ideas. Pressing select at anytime during the game reveals a bonus feature of the game: a dubious one-panel image of Indonesia that serves no purpose ther than to subliminally educate. Ultimately the game serves more to offend and confuse the player rather than to thrill them with adventure, which the box art seems to promise.

Needless to say, the price of this release drops quickly once it hits the shelf, as savvy parents an children alike gravitate towards titles like DOOM during their holiday shopping.

Posters to Inspire

2006-02-09T22:52:00.000Z

I realised what was missing from my office today. What we really need are some of those great "inspirational" posters, so I went ahead and made some:

FireWire Dino

2006-02-09T19:49:00.000Z

http://www.charismac.com/Products/firedino/

The ultimate combination.

What is your favorite dinosaur and why?

2006-02-09T18:07:00.000Z

Ankylosaur. Because Allah equipped his shit with a BLUDGEONING TAIL which shows Allah's true malice. In a sense, the T-Rex is highly overrated. While its victim's death is ferocious, it is also generally quick.

The anklyosaur was also a LOW RIDER meant to menace toddlers and SUVs. Definately a lizard for the modern age, and not as easily assailable by helicopters.

Flex Compilation #1

2006-02-09T14:27:00.000Z

With the addition of LightScribe DVD to my digital arsenal, my lo-fi revolution has expanded its possibilities.

One of the Japanese girls at the office has interpreted my role as resident musician to also mean resident DJ. Fortunately I do I have a supply of tracks at my finger tips when the plebeians call on me for a mix tape. I already made one for her which included an eclectic mix of fusion, hip-hop and synth pop. Erasure made it on to the last disc which whet her appetite for an entire disc of slightly overdriven drum machines.

Allow me to introduce the design for my latest CD, one that encapsulates a host of feelings towards Japanese women and glistening pre-90's R&B synth jams. Billy Ocean now included.

The Demonstration Tune Of Disease

2006-02-09T12:39:00.000Z

Adventures in Pharmacy : Cough Medicine

I am shit at buying cough medicine - I never plan ahead. What I should do when I've got a cough is to assemble a panel of experts, do a few hacks, and they'll say "that is a tickly cough Log" or "shit man that cough was chesty and I'm not even joking". Then I could go to a Pharmacy and ask for the the correct cough medicine without having to do an impression of my own cough in the kind lady's face.

This is what happened yesterday, as ever. But the process of faking a cough triggered an actual cough, and a combination of stifling it and trying to look classy made it come out like a Casio keyboard pre-programmed Samba rhythm. It's like I was having a little Mardi Gras in my neck, and I cheered up no end.

This is the rhythm that you cannot resist

The ever-so-kind woman behind the counter didn't spot the rhythm, so she didn't join in my laughter and new sense of carnival. So I laid her on the floor, kicked her in the armpits, and walked out. Well, that's quite obviously a lie, but if you can think of a better way to end a story about coughing in rhythm at a chemist, go ahead.

Next week in "my mundanest moments are worth sharing", I'll be telling you about the time that I blinked near an Alsatian.

Pets in Uniforms

2006-02-08T17:19:00.000Z

http://www.petsinuniform.com/index.php

Someone's beaten me to it yet again.

Da Plop Plop

2006-02-08T15:41:00.000Z

In an attempt to set off another chain, here is the first verse of a rap:

Da Plop Plop
by L.A. Fudge

Phoney MCs be all about the plop plop,
like about the splash it makes and how much they drop.
They be talkin' about jus' quarters and cents,
but I convert that shit to sterling and drop a full fifty pence!

***
Any suggestions for more lyrics gratefully received.

TJ's Magic PJ's

2006-02-08T15:20:00.000Z

Back up in this MF at last with a proper T-Flex movie scenario:

TJ lives in a rundown white neighbourhood. While his mom struggles to put food on the table his abusive father drinks himself sick while watching the Super Bowl, occasionally finding time to hurl a beer can at poor TJ or hurl abuse in the general direction of his long-suffering wife.

In the good tradition of poor kid movies TJ is soon provided with a magical method of escaping from his hackneyed, bad-but-not-that-bad, family life. TJ no doubt acquires the titular magic pyjamas from a mysterious Chinaman or perhaps finds them in the mail one day in a package with a mysterious return address. Whisking his new PJ's up to his room and away from his dad's prying eyes, TJ secretes them in a battered old suitcase under his bed and excitedly waits for bedtime.

The movie probably works best as an after-school special with a spin-off series, as the pyjamas provide an endless supply of possible adventures.

The magic nature of the pyjamas soon becomes apparent when TJ slips them on before going to bed and remembers the cryptic words of the mysterious Chinaman – "If you rub it, it will come true!" Looking down at his PJ's, TJ notices that they are covered in an array of colourful pictures, ranging from dinosaurs to spaceships. Taking a deep breath and whispering "Here goes nothing!" TJ starts to rub enthusiastically at the dinosaur on his left thigh.

In a flash TJ finds himself falling through some kind of space vortex and lands with a bump in a mysterious world. (He is of course still dressed only in his pyjamas, but this does not seem to hinder any of his adventures). TJ dusts himself down and decides to explore this new world. He soon finds himself trapped in an iguanadon nest or similar, only to be rescued by a teenage cave princess with whom he continues the rest of his magical adventure.

It is not quite clear how TJ returns to the "real world" at the end of each adventure, but it is usually perfectly timed for when he and his new chums have completed a task or quest and have said their goodbyes. The imminent return is perhaps indicated by some kind of "funny feeling" that TJ gets or maybe the tightening of his pyjama pants. He is of course also fully rested come morning.

All sorts of adventures lie in store for TJ, ranging across the whole gamut of kid adventure archetypes – the Wild West, outer space, 1950s America, the future etc. The series or the movie can be brought to a close through an "all good things must come to an end" clause, whereby the pyjamas must be returned to the Chinaman, perhaps because of the braking of a special usage rule or alternatively through the kid's own free will – "I guess I've grown out of them" etc. As some kind of consolation for relinquishing his magic PJ's, TJ's drunken dad will be replaced by a nice new stepdad, who also happens to be wealthy.

Camp David

2006-02-06T17:30:00.000Z

"Tony," slurred George in an endearing manner, "you know why you get to come out to ma ranch and do all that real good stuff?" he continued as he took another lazy swing at a golf ball out of the window of his pickup.
"Well, I like to think that it's because we are like-minded leaders and also good friends George," replied Tony sheepishly.
"And you'd be damn right, Tony, damn right!" boomed George. "Not like them fry-eating frogs. Ol' Jacque won't be playing jeep golf with me anytime soon I can tell ya. Your swing Tone."
"Ah, yeah sssure," stammered Tony as he took a rather feeble one-handed shot at the ball on the dirt track and George's delighted spaniel leapt off the back of the truck after the ball.
"Oh, shoot! Spot! Looks like the darn dog's ruined our game. Oh well, how about a round of Desert Strike on ma Genesis back at base camp?"
"Lovely," simpered Tony in reply.

Back in the warmth of the ranch the conversation turns to more pertinent matters.

"You'll have to get that chopper lower if ya wanna take out the oil depot Tony!" shouted George enthusiastically from behind the sofa.
"I think I've had enough for today George," replied Tony, placing the controller gingerly on the seat beside him. "Actually, I'd like a little chat about these Muslim protests in London."
"Whatever you say, Tony. You don't mind if I keep playing though do ya? This is ma favourite level!"
"I need your advice George," continued Tony, "How can I handle the situation without causing yet more trouble?"
"Well, the way I sees it is that the root of the whole problem is just jealousy, plain and simple. Those Moslems see us playing our video games, or enjoying our jeep golf with some nice bourbon, and they jus' wanna stop the fun coz they're straight up jealous!"
"I don't know about that George…" muttered Tony.
"They see us on the ranch expressing our freedom, and they don't like it none," boomed George with a final gulp of his whiskey. "See how they like this on Al-Jalfrezi news!" he whooped whipping off his trousers and twirling them round his head.

George then proceeded to make his way to the front of the ranch, removing pieces of clothing as he went.
"Woo hoo! How ya like that Osama! Real U.S. beef just swinging in the country air. The free air of America!" he hollered as he repeatedly thrust his pelvis at the sky.

Back inside Tony quietly picked up the game controller and sighed.

Seoul Reaver

2006-02-06T16:29:00.000Z

My desperation has reached new heights as I have come to notice that most of my passwords to log onto various work related software has moved from my previous cryptic assortment to an array of Korean foods.

Since I shaved so late in the afternoon yesterday I was able to convince myself not to shave this morning, despite the stubble. So imagine a disenchanted bachelor like myself with messy hair (but in a pressed shirt and tie) logging on to his PC, bypassing secure areas with codes like "bibimbap420".

Cosplay

2006-02-06T12:13:00.000Z

Triple Tuff:

Let's see a fireball then, fatty!

Puzzles Lounge

2006-02-02T20:33:00.000Z

Not ready to bury the hatchet with the gays. But ready to bury it into them!

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/02/02/gay.shooting/index.html

Brokeback Enkai

2006-02-02T18:32:00.000Z

With office rumors abound, word has it that I am a phantom pimp at the office. On more than one occasion, officers of the company have spotted me on surreptitious rendezvous with the more attractive lot of young females at the office. This has stirred ire among other alpha male contenders at work. And it has awakened others who have been quietly indifferent. My intentions have always been fairly platonic with these girls, although it goes without saying that I am prospecting. Nonethelss my attitude has always been to maintain a low profile and keep it classy.

On the other hand, my Japanese counterparts have been decidedly the opposite of that. Accounts have been handed down to me from various sources about married men coming on to and groping girls after drinking parties. There is one man-duo, a native Japanese guy and a native Korean guy, who have formed an exclusive 'smoking club' on the building patio. They share a style, dress and taste in refinements that are fairly standard for the jetsetting Asian male. And both of these two have been purported to engage in extramarital antics.

To me they are merely caricatures of an already irrefutable stereotype. Yesterday I stepped away from my desk to catch a whiff of the LA skyline when the duo called me over into their musky corner of the smoking deck. Turns out they would like me to attend a drinking party afterwork this Friday. It will be the first time that any of the Japanese men at the office have made any sort of gesture towards me unrelated to stacking paper, etc. Far from enjoying camraderie, the real intention here is to limber me up with a few stiff cocktails and get the goods on my lunch liaisons. Furthermore, i was assured that 'girls' (snicker-snicker) would be in attendance. Probably not their wives too. FURTHERMORE, this will all go down in Koreatown, on the Korean guy's turf, as we snack on bulgolgi and kimchi.

I accept the challenge. Experience tells me that I will drink these clowns right under the table. And rather than ME spilling my guts on my personal life, it is likely that I will be the lucky recipient of some awkward confession or insult.

Kanpai, motherf***er.

Grammar Police

2006-02-02T11:29:00.000Z

More boredom led to the following email exchange between myself and a "cv consulting" company about their website:

-----Original Message-----
Sent: 02 February 2006 11:04
To: admin@cvconsultants.co.uk
Subject: CV: Error

>From T-Flex

"How can I avoid mistakes? Well you can always spend an hour or two examining your CV to TRY AND FIND areas for improvement. If you do this the chances are that you will make some improvements, but unless you really do know what you are looking for, there will still be errors and areas which need improving."

I found a mistake! It's "try to find" not "try and find".
Hope this helps.
Love, T-Flex

And their reply:

Thank you T-Flex
Regards
Support

The Truth Will Out

2006-02-02T10:33:00.000Z

I guess it's just going to be one of those days.

I arrived at the office to find my manager to be as unresponsive as usual. My attempt at a cheery "Good Morning" was today however not even met with the requisite grunt. Though I am used to his other grunts and groans, this morning he managed to maintain a constant low level sniffing and gurgling. On top of that, looking around at my colleagues there seemed to be an even heavier atmosphere about the place than normal, as though something had happened and everyone was trying their best to blank it out.

After about an hour of this I came to the conclusion that he didn't have a cold: my manager was in fact quietly crying to himself…

I subtly escaped to the kitchen and found that one of the girls had had the same idea. We exchanged nervous glances and I raised my eyebrows as if to say "what the f is going on?" In hushed tones she proceeded to tell me how an office argument had escalated between my manager and his boss and ended in the boss insulting my manager by making references to his unmarried status at the age of 40. This apparently hit a raw nerve and my manager flew into a fit of blubbering rage. He launched into a diatribe about his own pathetic existence; how he new that he was fat and unattractive and despaired every day that he would never find someone to be with.

This obviously explained the office atmosphere. After a while I reluctantly returned to my seat and tried my best to feign ignorance.

Then my manager turned to me. Blinking through a veil of snot and tears he looked right at me and blubbed, "I know you think I'm a fat virgin too, I can see it in you eyes." He then turned back to his computer monitor leaving me to figure out how the hell I would make it through the rest of the day.

This didn't happen today, but I wish it had.

Gomi

2006-01-31T10:41:00.000Z

I am always impressed by the myriad of shops (in London in particular) that seem to be able to subsist by selling what is frankly just rubbish. I assume that it is like a modern day rag-and-bone community who only trade amongst themselves save for a few confused tourists who occasionally buy a jewel-encrusted replica phone-box.

A case in point is the shop directly below my flat. It is called something like "Ahmed's Medical Models" and at first this is exactly what is sold - plastic anatomical models. However in the meantime Ahmed seems to have realised that the key to success is diversification. This started with the addition of mobile phones and a battered piece of cardboard outside the shop bearing the legend "We unlock phones" written in marker. Not content with this rather odd dichotomy of abdominal bisection models and suspect mobile phones (the shop is actually divided neatly East/West between the two) Ahmed has recently spiced up his window display with more traditional, non-functional trash. The display today consisted of a novelty woman's bag shaped like Madonna's famous conical bustier outfit from her "Blonde Ambition" tour, placed proudly on a plinth.

The whole aesthetic of Ahmed's emporium is complimented by a gumball dispenser on the outside wall that looks like it was last refilled in the 1970's and the more recent addition of a full-sized cooker. The cooker looks like it has just been ripped from a kitchen and dumped on the street, but knowing Ahmed's eye for business I think that it is actually "for sale".

Rice

2006-01-31T09:34:00.000Z

I have been fascinated for a while by the link between traditional foodstuffs and racial slurs and other forms of abuse. Just what is it that makes a food-based insult sound so derogatory? I found what I believe to be the pinnacle of such insults on a message board the other day - a British grandfather who still refers to rice as "enemy food". Frightening and amusing in equal measures.

Naked Sky

2006-01-31T00:48:00.000Z

I heard a great snippet at the office today passing by a converationally engaged Japanese and American:

A:...no, no, no. It's going to be a legit film. The producers of 'Vanilla Sky' are doing it. You know? With Tom Cruise?

J: Oh, I see.

A: Have you seen 'Vanilla Sky'?

J: naked sky?

A: No, Vanilla, its a weird one...

Either as a subconscious connection or mere rift in communication, the relationship between 'vanilla' and 'naked' was today's secret treasure...

Blue Jean Ruminations

2006-01-31T00:33:00.000Z

The hallmark of self-esteem in American culture is 'feeling great and looking great'. Obesity is not only an issue its a paradigm for Americans who struggle to restore their youthful image and sexual confidence through numerous weight-loss and shape-up ploys.

What is the signifying moment of success for those who have worked hard to shed pounds? GETTING INTO A PAIR OF JEANS. As much as Americans have diversified their pants wardrobe since the '80s, jeans are still the judge and jury in the case against that ass. How many TV commercials end with a slimmed-down housewife sliding into a shapely pair of Levi's? Or how about a waxed and glazed stud who rolls off his Bowflex® to brood in his pair of cobrahugging denim?

When it comes to who's hot...its in the jeans.

UH OH

2006-01-30T22:22:00.000Z

How about the new look Mouthy Fansters?
D.A.M.N.

HOTTNESS vs REALNESS

2006-01-30T10:34:00.000Z

Not that anyone cares but I just found out that I have 100 MBs webspace to play with on the T-Flex site - that's 80 more than I thought!!! Expect hundreds more pictures of guys working out and boss-eyed kids!
I'M FUCKING LOVIN' IT!

*On the look out for a new skin for this blog too*

The HOTTNESS has landed!!!

2006-01-28T16:34:00.000Z

The new look T-Flex site has just dropped Muddy Funsters!!!
Check it the funk out!
Tyrannosaurus Flex
4 ever

Mo' Flow if U Need It

2006-01-27T17:58:00.000Z

Kinda busy today but found time to rattle off a few rounds.

Cliterrorist - 'G Spot Cosmonaut'
Tec-69 - 'Aim to Pleaze'
Co-Tatsu - 'Since we b unda the covahs'
Nubbs, Inc. - 'Prosthesis Street'
Dwarf Town - 'Pocket Projects'
Llamadeus - 'Spit dis Symphony'
MC Royale - 'Buckingham Malice'
N-Eye-Uh-Lated - 'Me B Lead Magnet'
Short Bus Dynasty All-Stars - 'Ate da Paper Klipz'

DDR for PE

2006-01-25T18:51:00.000Z

http://www.cnn.com/2006/EDUCATION/01/25/fitness.obesity.game.ap/index.html

Here is a classic one: let's dupe the kids into thinking they are just having fun when in actuality they are benefitting from a slew of 'positive effects', namely improved motor skills and coordination, concentration, stamina and weight loss!

You have to love it when the stiff-shirts at 'the firm' or the local school board try to take elements of slacker culture and use it against them for so-called positive purposes. What greater feeling could a bloated 50 year-old professional experience than thinking that he has tapped into the proverbial zeitgeist of modern youth and used his findings to elevate his own schemes? What is often felt as a self-proclaimed stroke of genius comes off with the kids as just trying too hard.

The prediction: in six months the dance pads will be piled over with things of a more standard educational fare--if they aren't broken in the first two weeks by a troublemaker eager to crack the f**k out of that top layer of plexiglass.

It follows suit here that once a trend such as DDR has reached its critical mass and the kids have moved on to their next dig, the once-skeptical older set canonizes it as an educational tool.

The best will be when the Japanese exchange student seizes his chance to rise from obscurity and shows off his chops to his American counterparts. Surely some sort of condescending applause will follow.